So far, I have been stuck in a notebook. Writing things with little or grand meaning, if they only exist in a notebook it only guarantees, no meaning. Sometimes it’s difficult for me to find a point or purpose. Sometimes it is easier than starting deep conversations with those in my life, maybe easier on them too. Sometimes I just think it’s a good idea. But, what’s the point of putting time effort into something if it’s only purpose is to be dusted off after so many years and re-read by the writer. If nobody reads anything, oh well, at least there is a potential, at least I took a risk, at least I tried to make it more.
Even now, the thoughts get generated three lines long in my head, yet my fingers don’t type them out. Am I afraid of what I might honestly type, or do I just get lost in my thoughts? A lot of what I think about stays locked up inside my head. Keeps me wide awake some nights with plans and possibilities. Usually they have all faded by morning. I wonder if those who became successful, ignored the desire to sleep and acted on their ideas so they wouldn’t fade. Now maybe this will spark more action from the thoughts, maybe someone can relate, or maybe this will fade out in two weeks….
I have developed a new joy of reading, listening, and thinking that I have never experienced. Throughout my school years the constant repetitive force never allowed anything leisure to develop, but now there is a need to keep developing new opinions and realizations. Music, reflection, stories, beliefs, human actions, human conversation all are in constant battle for access to my minds main focus. Then you also have day-to-day life thoughts; that asshole just cut me off, how long could I go with out TV?, I should get back to work, I need to get more organized, Oh the Traffic report, do I really like where I am at in life?, did I work hard enough today?, I need a song idea, the universe is massive, Shit! I missed the traffic report. I say that accurately sums up about 2 minutes of brain activity.
The day-to-day wins out mostly. I often have a great desire to come home from work and spend the entire night either reading, writing, drawing, or working on some kind of project. However, these thoughts usually occur while at work, on the way to work, or on the elevator up to my apartment. Then the list of responsibility kicks in
- let the dog out
- whats for dinner?
- is there a sporting event on tonight?
- clean/keep organized
- talk with girlfriend
- it has been a long day….cocktail
- gotta make lunch for tomorrow.
Unfortunately, I have no control of the light switch that causes this daily battle. I admire those who do, and those who face far greater battles.
Sacrifice is difficult when you enjoy many things personally, yet also enjoy helping the people in my life. What is winning? What is progress? Nothing has ever really been bad. It has always been “how can I keep improving?”. I guess that’s what happens when you make personal stop-complaining quotes like, “my lowest low, will be better than most peoples’ highest high”. “Is my day of shit, some body else’s champagne, if that could be 20% true, than why do I complain.” Even after reading over this paragraph I don’t see difficult as being the right word. War is difficult, poverty is difficult, sickness is difficult. Me….. I’m writing words on a computer screen, trying to figure out my life while others RIGHT NOW are trying to survive it.
This is why I feel I will submit a few posts on here in the next few days than it will fade away. Eventually a way of possibly improving myself, personally, gets shuffled out by work, my mind, or my other personal traits. However, I will try. Maybe not as often as I would like, but I 100% will truly like to make this a habit. Take a few of my thought and ideas outside of my notebook, open myself up for sharing what I have a difficult time communicating to people I know, and seeing if there are any connections between a few other humans and myself.